News
Talking to your children about cancer
Fort Wayne, Indiana (May 30, 2007) — 
— When I shared the news of my cancer with my eldest daughter, Alex (age 10 at the time), I picked her up early from school and told her in our car right in the parking lot. Although she had been in cancer walks in Chicago since she was in diapers, I learned at that moment that her education about the disease was sorely lacking. Since I had lost my mother to cancer a decade before, she assumed that my death was both certain and immediate. All she knew was that “grandma had it, and she died.” Fortunately for me and for my family, both times—and cancer treatments—have changed. The most important piece of information to her was the survival statistics compared to what they were only a decade before.
My two youngest daughters were ages four and three at the time. Their youthful innocence could not easily grasp such ideas as time and disease. We told Catie and Bella that mommy had “yucky cancer that the doctor was going to take out.” In order to explain the length of time I told the girls that “When I start taking my medicine, the trees will lose their leaves. When the trees start to wear their green coats again, mommy will be all done!” This tiny piece of perspective relieved their anxiety while our whole family awaited the glorious rebirth of life in the spring.
Hearing the words "You have breast cancer" is a powerfully painful experience. That pain pales in comparison to the experience of trying to explain your condition to your children. The concept of what cancer is and how the medications work is confusing and frightening to adults; for children it is altogether baffling.
- Be honest with your children. Give them the basics, but not all the graphic details. Refer to the oncologist as “doctor” and the chemo and radiation as “medicine.”
- Tell them they can’t catch cancer. Just because Mommy has it doesn’t mean that they will get it too.
- Make it clear that no one did anything wrong to make this happen.
- Remind them that if Mommy is really tired, it doesn’t mean she is angry.
- Tell your children that it is okay to cry if they are scared and fill them with reassurances of your love.
- Let them know that they don’t have to do anything special to help you out, but extra pictures for the fridge and little love notes would be wonderful! Pack these special notes with you when you go for treatment, and let your children know how much strength they give you.
- Give them as much comfort as possible while you are feeling well. Record yourself singing bedtime songs, or reading favorite stories for the times that you might not be able to do so. Fill out note cards ahead of time and mail them once a month. Kids love getting mail, and even a one-sentence note along with a piece of candy will make their day!
- For older children, much like for patients themselves, information is key! Online communities, such as Facebook, now have several pages devoted to families of cancer patients. With careful monitoring, these websites can be very helpful.
MORE ON THE WEB:Visit the Cancer Hope Network to connect with survivors and family members who are available for one-on-one chats and support.
Support the Vera Bradley Foundation’s mission to fund research for a cure.